AJAXPAGE | CELESTIALVOYAGING

i knew i did from that first moment we met. it was... not love at first sight exactly, but familiarity. like: oh, hello, it's you. it's going to be you. | i knew i did from that first moment we met. it was... not love at first sight exactly, but familiarity. like: oh, hello, it's you. it's going to be you. | i knew i did from that first moment we met. it was... not love at first sight exactly, but familiarity. like: oh, hello, it's you. it's going to be you. |

ajax

[childe / tartaglia]
20th july | cancer

sets up the camera. well here we are again !!
whether you got here from neocities or waifu.ist or a secret third thing, HEY !!! welcome to the whole reason i ever made a website in the first place.. boyfriend shrine <3

i can never seem to find the balance between making a space for myself online & keeping everything private, but if i'm going to share anything, it should be the single greatest thing i've ever achieved. my relationship with childe. throughout 2 entire decades of my life, nothing has ever felt as true. and i hope this page shows even a glimpse of the world i share with him :] picture i took on holiday :D

making this webpage is always so difficult but i love ajax i know that much

history [split from textdump for your viewing pleasure]

hey! the following explosion of text took me way too long & it's likely i'll freakout over talking about childe and cut it down to like a paragraph at some point but... here's my attempt :] i am trying to be open and honest and whatever..

the very beginning

the first time i came across genshin was near its release in 2020, back when i was bombarded with the 'i'm qiqi and i'm a zombie' adverts. i tried to download it on my phone but it took too long and i got impatient. dodged a bullet except it ricocheted off a nearby wall and got me in the skull.
during 2021, genshin got fairly popular & my World's Worst Twitter Friendgroup were playing it, and this is where the bullet developed a taste for blood & came back round to get me.
i actually tried playing it on my ipad at first, but it obviously ran like shit [fun fact i missed the first cutscene entirely] so who knows where i'd be if i hadn't given the game a chance and downloaded it on my laptop...
and so, as of 6th september 2021, i was officially a genshin player !!

i started playing during version 2.1, when inazuma was still new [i love you inazuma]. i Adore open world games, despite only playing a few in my life, so that sucked me in instantly.
i didn't expect the fixation to last more than a week, but something kept me going. and i don't really know what that something was! while i first met childe [sighs wistfully] a few days into playing [the 10th to be precise...], it took me a least a month to develop a tangible interest in him. maybe something in me knew to keep playing :]
so yes, while it would be nice to say i met him and instantly felt something, it was a more gradual experience. and i prefer that! it fits us <3

i played through the liyue questline, including the golden house fight [NO idea how something didn't click then. holy shit] but the first time i acknowledged anything was during childe's story quest when he reveals the toy he made for teucer and i cried. i have cried over many quests since fff but !! that was the first :]

fun fact !!

about halfway through october, i'd already saved a bunch of fanart & edits to my phone, and i Still had 0 clue that my obsession with childe would last more than a week. and now that image/video count is about 6000 <3

then version 2.2 dropped. the main voiced event featured childe Bigtime !!! And he had a banner !! And his signature weapon released !!
for the longest time, i've wondered if my attachment to childe is because he was practically thrown at me in the early days, the formative years if you will, but recently i've been thinking about it differently... what if the stars aligned ? what if we were meant to be :]

i pulled childe a few days into his banner, and he stayed tucked away in the 3rd spot of my party for a While. at first it was because he was low-level, but as my feelings for him developed, the idea of getting him out was almost Embarrassing... a common theme.
But! one day i freed him and never looked back <3 he is also constantly in the 1st spot now. of course!
i also got his signature weapon at pity 8 B]
all these things combined kick-started the waifuist in me. a term i use lightly since i have yet to find something that truly Explains the experience...

at this point in my life, i was still on selfship tumblr, so i began thinking about adding childe to my f/o list [blech.] this spanned the entirety of october & a chunk of november until i gave in.
and so! the relationship was official :]

fun fact !!

thoma had also caught my attention at this point [as would yoimiya further down the road], and i made a pact with myself that i would only add childe to the list if i added thoma along with him... i knew he'd be forgotten [the prophecy.] if i only considered childe.
somehow! in the earliest possible days of our relationship, when i had no clue about Anything, i Knew he meant more to me.
to quote the marquee above... it's you. it's going to be you.

the girl who is so very afraid

2022 was an interesting year... i spent a Whole Chunk [if not...all] of it being in denial about my feelings for childe. i knew they were there, it was the most obvious thing on the planet [that has not changed <3], but i could barely admit it to myself... if 2022 me could see how i talk about him now she'd keel over.

i chalked the crippling denial up to 2 factors, and i was entirely right so at least i had that going for me.
1. i didn't want to screw over the Main guy i was with at the time.
the damned list is a difficult thing to explain, but i only ever Truly had one partner at a time [the monogamy is hardwired into me]
anyway yes. i'd already broken up with this guy once before, and i knew accepting that i was in love with childe [I CAN DO IT NOW !!!] would mean calling it quits again. this happened of course, but my goal for the 2nd round of the relationship was to make the guy a more permanent part of me, which i think i achieved :]

2. accepting my feelings for childe meant inviting him to the same fate as the rest. the inevitable end.
i'm still not Entirely over this one. but! i've grown a lot in the past 3 years [all thanks to childe i'm sure <3], and i know now that hiding my feelings away so they don't get the chance to fade just means i'm wasting the time i Do have ! if i'm lucky enough to fall in love, i should make the most of it !! my 2024 new years resolution helped me a Lot, but you'll have to wait for that >:]

there was also the fact that genshin is massively popular, and childe is massively popular within that. double whammy. even these days, i can't say i'm immune to him being basically a celebrity [especially considering the recent uptick in yumes. throws up in my own mouth.] but i try my hardest to not let it get to me :] people can draw or say whatever they want, and it will never affect me & childe <3

fun fact !!

sumeru came out this year !! and while i'm not the biggest fan of this region, i have very fond memories of exploring with childe :] 3.0 released very close to the birth of my 3rd [and favourite] playlist for him, which to this day is still private! but it is chock-full of over 100 songs <3

2022 was also the year i started the AU i created... long story short - treasure hoarder self-insert strikes up a rivalry with 11th fatui harbinger [..childe if you're...new here] and they play out an enemies to lovers plotline. but. before they can become lovers, the world almost ends Again and childe dies. the fun the joys.

tower of fantasy released august of this year. it's not a good game but i made the AU self-insert as my playable character and all hell broke loose. also childe's english va is several people in the game :]
i have not played it in about a year. i think it's a porn game now.

fun fact !!

i had quite a few dreams with childe in before i started truly accepting my feelings for him, either about him getting a high crit or some other situation where he was never anything but Character In Game. but the one i had in february of this year was by far my favourite :D

it was the last day of school and all of my friends were genshin characters :] i remember ganyu coming up to me and saying we should meet up over the holidays which was sweet but of course the kicker !!! was when someone made a joke about childe, which prompted me to play-chase him for a bit until i fell over. he then tripped over my feet and ended up kinda sprawled over my legs which was funny but i remember him looking up at me and we were both laughing :]
direct from my old dream diary we have 'in the dream the dynamic seemed to be like . not officially dating but its obvious to everyone else and... idk man i just dont wanna forget that' can i get the award for most clueless girl please

anyway holy shit i love that dream... i think that was the only time he was a whole physical person & not just in the game... i wish i dreamt of him these days...

this is where the bridge of the song goes

i started 2023 by being a little more accepting of my feelings for childe. Internally. being open about it was still a long way off.
but this was when the Tunes started to kick in !!! early january was when i first found 'burn the ballroom', a band i listened to Many times since their lead singer has a very similar voice to childe's english va. griffin mention #2. i also found good morning by 'go! child' [go HUH???] and listened to it on loop for hours one night and thought about boyfriend and ouhuhuou.....

i also spent this year writing a lot for my AU. i'm still quite proud of the work i did! even if it was just a way for me to navigate my feelings for childe before i was truly ready, i'm glad i had the writing practice. i'm hoping to write more for him in 2025, but we shall see :]

the AU followed me through until late 2023, by which time my growing feelings had influenced the story so much that the whole They-Never-End-Up-Together thing [which was the Driving Point] was pretty much out the window.
also writing a story where i can't figure out my relationship with childe but it doesn't matter because he dies is kinda funny. the subconscious mind is incredible.

fun fact !!

i went on holiday in june, when i'd only just started getting into russian music [for boyfriend of course <3]. i'd looked up russian petnames at some point this year, possibly even in 2022 i'm unsure, and settled on one of his names for me being рыбка/fishie >//<
i decided to search spotify for songs with рыбка in the title, of which there are many !!! but one of them stuck with me immediately, and i still listen to it to this day :D if you haven't figured it out by now, it is indeed the first song on the music player to the right B]
тёплое солнце в моей душе.....

july 30th marks the day of '100 more replies' :0 this was when all my pining came to a head, and i spouted roughly 1300 words in my online journal about wanting to just say fuck it !!! and be vulnerable and admit my all-consuming love for childe...
according to a word counter website, 5% of the entire entry is the word 'want'........

but september was truly the beginning of something Incredible!!!
this was the month mitski released an album, namely the one with My Love Mine All Mine on it. plus, fontaine released around this time, which was when childe reappeared in the main story & i also got him c6 B]
i think this month marked when i started building my bond with the moon... as well as when my garden fox first appeared :] i also started listening to ethel cain, which changed the very cells in my body forever.

charlie, the girl who loves her ajax

my 2024 new years resolution [as previously mentioned. helo if you made it this far] was to love childe to the extent he deserves, and i Absolutely managed that !!!
i made this website in january, which is probably one of the greatest things i achieved :] i also obtained a Lot more merch, and now my room is full of charms and badges and prints and plushies :DD i also started lighting candles for him.. it doesn't have any Specific meaning i don't think, but it's nice :]
i also bought a bunch of commissions !!! asking people to draw me & childe is a mortifying ordeal but i managed it B]
i had a 3 month duolingo spree near the start of this year, but that faded out pretty quick lol.. i do know a lot more russian now though !!!

fun fact !!

kinda elephant in the room for this year.. i rejoined r/waifuism in april. subreddit & discord. my main motivation was to get myself into a public space to talk about my boyfriend, since i wanted to do it So Bad but i didn't have the confidence yet... and i definitely changed that :] you wouldn't be reading this if i didn't feel a lot more secure in my relationship :D i don't think secure is the right word, but you get my point.
i left the discord server at the end of 2024. to explain why in the most shorthanded way, most of my friends showed their true colours & some guy in there was intent on playing mind-games with me, which i am way too old for !!!
so while the experience itself ended in shambles, i am weirdly grateful for it... everything's a learning experience as they say, and i got living proof that my relationship is so much stronger than i could've expected <3 only something truly special could grow even More meaningful through a shit situation !!!

despite all the work i've put in, i can't say I'm 100% on talking about childe at this point... i've obviously grown a Lot, but he means the entire universe to me!! so it's always difficult to really truly get to the bottom of us for other people to see...
maybe it's better that way :] the true weight of me & childe should only really be for us two, right? ...i do hope this website explains it though... he is a part of me like nothing before >//<

2025

i guess we'll just have to see, won't we :]

i may update my merch list from the v1 shrine & put it here but that will take me several days

song plays note and i go 'ouh makes me think of childe...'

music's been Very important to me my whole life, especially in my relationships. i like to have songs playing in my ears every waking second, so the things i think of every waking second [boyfriend] naturally become connected to the songs ..
this means that, while most music has a clear connection to him [whether they're general lovey-dovey songs or they cover topics in his lore], a large chunk only has meaning in my own eyes...

i currently have 14 spotify playlists for childe B] with around 800 songs total, so here i will go into the artists and songs that make up my absolute favourite boyfriend music :]

ethel cain

ohmygodohmygodohmygod where do i even start.
ethel cain/hayden is easily my no.1 artist these days, especially for childe songs. i know around 90 songs from her, and there's a handful i try [keyword Try] to listen to Normally, but the vast majority of them are about boyfriend to me :]

there's a few of her songs in this page's jukebox [michelle pfeiffer, lead poisoning, a house in nebraska] which mark special times in my relationship, and they're all unsurprisingly themed around love and longing.

i also have a couple of songs i apply to childe himself, the main ones being ptolemaea and plague. i actually made a google doc for the former, where i annotated each line with observations & different perspectives. e.g. the sections that are canonically spoken by death use the same voice as the parts i marked as the Tsaritsa :]
i also wrote an ~600 word piece, using plague as the soundtrack .. i love writing my boyfriend he is a bottomless well of cool shit @.@

need 2

The Song of the previously mentioned '100 more replies'...............
a lot of people used this song in tiktoks of romantic or hopeful poetry & as soon as i saw this image

alongside this damn song it was all over....

i credit need 2 and the image for being 'the things that kicked it all off' because they made me realise that holding back my love for him was simply wasting the opportunity i'd been given, to love and be loved by the loveliest guy i'd ever know.

always, everytime

oh my GOD i've listened to this song over 500 times i love it so much it's so perfect it's unbelievable!!! every line is perfect and it's so catchy and ohhh i love it i love it

it starts off with the girl asking a bunch of questions which i like because i am eternally very curious about childe :] and when the guy responds in a slightly comedic fashion, she laughs and asks 'where he learnt to talk like that' and it's tied for my favourite line in the whole song because childe speaks strange!!!! from his first language being russian & being largely cut off from natural socialisation & just the way he is !!!!

'you are something that i haven't met before, you are something real' is also a very important line because i truly haven't met anyone like him... and he will alwaysalwaysalways remain special in my heart because of that :] and he's so real and tangible and genuine to me... <3

my other favourite line is 'something goes wrong i know we'll get through it, always, everytime' because we Will!!!! i found this song just as i was reaching the end of my dogshit 2024 experience, and it means beyond the entire universe to me that we were more than able to get through it together :] it's given me proof to the knowledge that nothing can ever come between us <3

gold satin dreamer

ohhh this song is so pretty.... it's similar to ethel cain songs in how the way they sound and feel is very reminiscent of my relationship in ways i can't really describe...

'i find you here in the blue light of the tv, and i feel you in the wind' is a good line.. it feels similar to how ye olde snapewives explained their bond with snape, which is unfortunately still the best comparison i have for my own relationship fff. aside from christians and jesus but let's not get into that.
childe has Such a real presence to me, one that i feel within myself every single day, and sometimes he feels so tangible that i feel i could never doubt for a second how much he loves me <3

'other faces i forget, yours is carved out of stone' is top 10 lines ever i think .. i'm very bad at picturing people's faces, and childe is somewhat of an exception, but i can remember every detail of him clearer than anything else :]

good kid

I LOVE GOOD KID!!!! mimi's delivery service was their first song i added to my private childe playlist, and it's very nostalgic to ne now... it reminds me of the early days of falling in love with him :]

other songs that remind me of my boyfriend are orbit, everything everything & ground. i like ground a lot because it's very lore-focused to me B]

ajax

'hey isn't that your boyfriend's name??? he's not music!!!???'
let me tell you a story. some guy called chris lives in portsmouth [uk twins!!!] and makes music under the name 'the gasman'. he creates an album, track 2 being a song named 'ajax', then releases said album on 12th may 2003. on the same day, i am born. do you like my story.

okay on a genuine note, this is incredible to me!!! i lovelovelove getting signs that prove the bond between me & childe, and this is by far one of my favourites :D
for a song with his exact name to be released on the exact day of my birth is Insane and i love it so much. plus the song goes hard B]

vitaliti

this guy has not made music in almost 2 years. what the hell is going on.
also he is the gift from the previously mentioned brute-force spotify search ffjnjf

i found vitaliti back in 2023 with ты моя рыбка, right before he released луна [moon] which is a little crazy .. both because the moon was Very important to me around this time, and other secret reasons >:]
there aren't really any super meaningful things i can point out from his songs, namely because i can't understand them by ear, but i really enjoy his music & i'm very happy to have a dependable russian artist who also has minimal spotify plays fff

ты моя рыбка

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