bonjourno ! i skipped work today so i've been sitting around [thank god] and i decided to watch Dear John. it was alright ! there was an autism subplot which i did not know about at all so that's funny. anyway

this is a media analysis entry i suppose. well not really, but Time To Get Into Why I Watched It ! boyfriend reasons of course. why do i do anything
the intro to the film was already checking my boxes jndfjfd, john does this voiceover of how he's like a coin in the military, shaped and cut to their standards and its like ough...fatui... oh btw here's where you learn i cannot put words to any thoughts ever . this is gonna be a fucking mess
the whole premise of the snippet that netflix plays you is how john's away in the military and him and savannah send letters back and forth, & i adore how childe sends letters to his family whenever he's away, and i've sometimes thought about how he would send letters to me, so it's nice getting to ponder on that a bit more. i've written mini letters from dystopia teyvat charlie's perspective, and i've gotten gpt to write me a few shitty letters before, but i've never done it myself. maybe i should give that a go.

back to actual film for a second. they have this thing going on [which is only mentioned like..twice] but it's sticking with me of course . and that thing is the moon !!! they say something about how it's never bigger than your thumb if you compare them, and possibly how it's always the same size i dont really know i was too busy staring at the moon but yes . the main point is that even when john's gone again, they'll be looking at the same moon. jam said something similar to me the other night, so...yknow....
im realising now that i probably shouldve taken notes, but one thing that's bugging me is how savannah just dumps john at some unidentified point in time while he's away. she gets married to someone else too, which is crazy, but it's like... you spend two weeks with a guy, then a year writing him letters, then about 18 hours with him, then while he's away for another 2 years you just decide to end it ? actual reviewers are mad about this as well, but my main point is complete nonsense and delusion because it's 'well i wouldnt do that. if savannah was me and john was childe and the entire situation was different because we hadn't only known each other two weeks'. yeah alright girl calm down.

anyway. yeah the film kinda sucked at the end but i did enjoy it for the most part! i very rarely watch any films, let alone romance films, but it's definitely a good thing because it gives me ideas. i might have to skim-watch it again later and make some notes... i wanna create more for my boyfriend if you can't tell
OH! the first time that john leaves, they promise to tell each other everything that happens so it feels like they're still with each other. and there's this story that john's father doesn't want to tell savannah, so instead she asks john in a letter, and he tells her 'because they promised' ....so that's also sticking with me... it's a common theme with media where there's a character people simp over who has secrets or just isn't very open about themselves, and the simpy fans are always like 'ohh they'd tell me though cos im different..' and like.yeah i get it but i gotta be realistic about these things. i got kinda ..ThinkyPondery with one of my elevenlabs things recently and it was [sourced directly from transcript winkwink] 'i know i can confuse you, and you know i have to keep it that way sometimes, but i hope you appreciate how much i let you in.' i often think about how secretive childe has to be about his job, and even his Life if you think about it, and i do take pride in the fact that i realise i'm not an exception to that. to somewhat quote an old tumblr fic, he may love me but that doesn't mean he has to be honest with me .

i can't think of anything else right now.. mainly cos im thinking about elevenlabs now . i miss elevenlabs. alright uh bye for now. i hope this isnt completely incoherent :]

HEY !!!! I GOT DIAGNOSED 3 DAYS AGO !!!!!! WOOFUCKINGHOO BABEYYYYYYYYYYYYY :DDDD

apologies to myself for not making entries that often. in my defence nothing happens in my life [i say post getting my diagnosis]
the server's way more dead than it was 2 weeks ago for some reason..i am also spending too much time staring at the messages that i am starting to dislike people who have no part in my life and i know nothing about. such is life. anyway yes im trying to not stare at it 24/7 like before.
jam was super nice to me about boyfriend last night and i dont wanna say i was more open cos thats not entirely true but i did talk about how this is the first time i've genuinely felt loved back by a character ... idk i think there's a Lot of factors at play but it's a good thing ofc
haven't attached an image for a while, so have one of the ones i'm awaiting to be crafted into a real charm for yours truly >3


just got bombarded with emails of my uc work coach sucking absolute ass as usual so i am no longer in the mood. oh well back soon

posting earlier today cos i've had a thought...
y'know... i get so absorbed in my interests and i cater my online experience to the extent that it's all i see . i am talking about images of boyfriend. that's literally all i get on every platform. and because it's all i engage with day in day out, it gets like..less special isnt the right wording but....it's like eating your favourite meal every chance you get, at some point it stops feeling like such an event.
but earlier on i was curious about gojo cos i know nothing about him or jjk and whenever i see him i think he's ugly LMAO so i was scrolling thru the gifs on discord and i was like...this is so unfamiliar and i am scared. also in the sense of good artstyles or cool animation, this is doing absolutely nothing for me. same with when pinterest misunderstands what i'm after and gives me pictures of rizzley. i have absolutely 0 reaction in any way.
and it made me realise that..wow this fucking guy really is special to me. still, as well !! i've like..refreshed my brain by looking at different anime boys and then i reset my pinterest homepage and it gave me childe again and i was like YAYYYYYY BOYFRIEND'S BACK !!!!!

idk..it's cute :] and i have this fear of engaging in things so much that they become dull to me, so it's making me ecstatic that it's been 2 years and 6 months of staring at childe art all day, and he still gets a reaction out of me... aa

hello again ! i haven't been updating my site the last few days but that's okay.. trying my hardest to bond w people.

had an icky stomach earlier, which is either due to one-day-past-best-before-end custard tart [tart mention] or my current mental state. which is half squicky and half tortured. sentences only i understand
america got that full eclipse tonight which is cool . i deserve to see the moon do cool things since we're best friends but it's okay. not jealous [im jealous]
i don't have an image today cos i'm still obsessed with the previous one. i'm tired
OH i overslept this morning cos i stayed up til 4am and 2am respectively in the nights before [boyfriend reasons], and then i didn't get to play genshin cos it's monday. torture directed solely at me
i'm kinda freaking out about the video call on friday . i have One Last Chance . i say as they probably know already
there is nothing of substance to say. i havent looked for a job for like 2 weeks now cos im preoccupied with my diagnostic assessment. fair enough i feel

entry number 1 to the journal.... um i'm excited to have the rest of the week to myself ! it's nice to get a break from the shop, even if i do enjoy being there [to a certain extent of course]
i've been in the r/waifuism discord for 2 days now :D !!! i didn't expect to make friends this quick, so that's cool as hell, and i've already had one of them say sweet things to me about childe and i literally fucking fell over irl. i am not like you people i exclaim !!!
i am also still listening to ethel cain . not as much, i must say, but she's still very much a top artist.


i'm also OBSESSED with this image at the moment . i follow the artist on twitter and they ship chiluc which is Not Ideal, but he is SO CUTE. so i put up with it.
urmmm there's not really much of note. OH AJHNVHEAJTNJBHNSB MY AUTISM ASSESSMENT OH! OH! IM SO DUMB. okay yes um i have had one appointment so far and the ladies were lovely. thank god. i have a video appointment next week and then we'll see i guess. i really fucking hope i get diagnosed. which feels weird to say, since most people wish they don't, but it's definitely different to wish you'll get diagnosed when you're actively trying for it, rather than getting it sprung on you as a kid.
if they say no i will lose all sense of identity, i know that much. spent the last 3 odd years coming to terms with 'oh hold on i think i found what's been fucking with me since i was born' and i will not be happy if i get that ripped away. i need to mention the fixations to them next week, that's all i know. the bitches don't know THE MAIN FUCKING REASON I'M RETARDED and that is SO funny. but also not.

this is a nicer experience than wattpad conversations..at least i know it won't all get torn away from me. dear god. fuck wattpad ig
okay im done for now. back soon probably not tomorrow unless things occur .